The Wrath of Pat – Cell Phones 0, Pat 5

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Various cell phones displayed at a shop.

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Ever since I bought my first cell phone, my husband has had a love-hate relationship with the darn things!  It was his idea to get one because he worked nights and I worked days – so I had to chauffeur children all over the place at night and he wanted me to be safe.  On the other hand, he refused to use it when he would go on errands or go for his runs with the dog late at night – after all, he is a man and doesn’t need protection!

No cell phone has ever been good enough for Pat — there is always something wrong with the phone – he can’t dial it, he can’t answer it, he can’t hear it, the buttons are covered, the buttons are uncovered, you can’t turn it off, you can’t turn it on – and the list goes on and on.  The bottom line is that he hates cell phones, he doesn’t want to have to use them, but he has to use them to keep in touch with not only work – but mainly with his children!  He has tried to avoid them and he has even “accidentally” destroyed a few.

Yes — Five of our cell phones have met an untimely death.  The first one was dropped into the Tomichi River in Gunnison, Colorado – it didn’t die right away, it had to wait to be dropped into the Blue Mesa Reservoir later that day.  The second phone fell off a ledge and drowned in Lake Superior by Grand Marais, Minnesota – Pat said he watched as the red light blinked out of sight and then he knew it was too late to save the poor thing.  The third cell phone met its early death in the Gulf of Mexico — Pat had put it into his swimming trunks before going to the beach and he claims that one of the children was floundering in the surf – so of course, he had to rush right in to rescue that child.  He never did say which of his four children was in trouble – which makes it all very suspicious.  That cell phone let out a lot of sizzling and popping noises as it died — apparently salt water is not good for the circuits.

After that last murder, we no longer let Pat have the cell phone near water – but apparently it is too late — Pat’s psychic connection to his children has caused all of them to drown at least one if not more cell phones of their own — a horse tank, a toilet, a bowl of punch, a snow drift, a river — all various forms of torture and death for these poor things. One of our children even used his drowned cell phone for target practice – just to make sure it was really, really destroyed!

With phone number 4, Pat changed his method.  It was no longer acceptable to merely drown a phone — because there was a chance it could be revived – it is wonderful what a bag of rice will do!  So, his next assassination was a little more sneaky.  This time he took the cell phone for a walk with him and the dog.  It was after dark in December when it was icy and snowy.  As he was crossing the highway to get to the park, he went one way and the dog another and the cell phone became a casualty.  We never did find the poor soul — we searched and called, but I’m sure it was either frozen or crushed beneath the cruel wheels of a car racing along the highway.

The last cell phone to receive the wrath of Pat escaped merely wounded.  Pat had the cell phone all day while he was working on cars.  Apparently, while he was laying on the ground, a small rock wedged itself between the screen and the keypad – so when the flip-phone shut, the screen cracked.  It now was impossible to see who had called or what number you were dialing — so I decided to get an android phone – which of course, Pat hates just as much as any of the other phones!

I fear for my cell phone’s life – especially since it goes out of its way to irritate Pat — it has forced him to answer a text from one of his children and even take a picture occasionally.  However, today may have been the last straw — that terrible, awful bad phone put itself into ‘airplane’ mode and wouldn’t tell my husband how to get out of it — so he was unable to make phone calls or receive them!  I’m afraid my husband will feel the need to teach that cell phone a lesson about who is boss. 

I think I will keep my little android near me for a while and Pat will have to take out his anger on something else — like the DVD player or DVR – neither of which will obey his commands either!

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5 responses »

  1. My mom and dad are the exact same way! I couldn’t get a hold of them all day yesterday because the phone was “broken.”

    It was just turned off.

    • Well – you know what they say — if you don’t turn your cell phone on, you might as well carry a rock in your pocket! Actually, the only person who has ever said that is Pat — and I think it was so he could SMASH the cell phone with the rock!

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