No more diets!

Koala sleeping on a tree top

Sleeping his fat away!

I learned tonight that the real culprit for my weight gain and inability to lose weight is lack of sleep!  It isn’t the massive amounts of food I stuff into my face.  It isn’t the fact that I make couch potatoes look hyperactive.  It isn’t my sweet tooth or my love of bread or even my inability to pass up a good steak.  No – the real culprit is the fact that the Sandman doesn’t put me to sleep sooner in the evening and keep me asleep all night long.

I am so glad that it appears that something I do really well is finally going to put me back on the road to being thin (or at least thinner)!  My inability to walk and chew gum at the same time will not endanger my participation in this exercise program (aerobics teachers have stared at me in great pity and finally learned to ignore my pleas for mercy and pain medications).

I’m sure it’s my mother’s fault that I quit sleeping as much as I should have – which makes her ultimately at fault for my weight problem.  This is so much easier than hiring a lawyer to sue the fast-food burger joints and taco stands!  If only Mom had not insisted on me going to school, getting a job or actually contributing to society — I could have been a tall, thin supermodel.  Damn her short-sightedness!

I suppose I better get started on catching up with at least 40 years of sleep deprivation.  I figure if I go to bed about 5:30 every night, I will lose all of the weight I want to lose.  Of course, there may be some collateral damage – such as losing my husband, my job, my family and possibly my sanity — but hey — it’s definitely worth a try to be as thin as those beautiful girls in the ads — now if I could only find a way to sleep my way young, we would be all set!


11 responses »

  1. Exactly what I needed to read this morning! I was going to start a diet today! But instead I’ll go back to bed -woohoo!!!!

  2. So it is my mother’s fault? I knew it all along. I used to sleep 14 hours when I was a teenager and I was smaller then….now I’m lucky to get 6. Great post.

    • Isn’t it always blamed on mothers? I’m sure my children have a very, very, VERY long list of things which I did that ruined their lives – and now I’ve started in on my grandchildren. Ain’t life grand?

  3. Funny post. I’m going to use your excuse, except I tend to sleep a lot. So maybe oversleeping is preventing me from being thin. Yeah, that’s the ticket! Plus my mother, a great fallback. O’tay! I think I know what my story is, now, and I’ll be sticking to it!

  4. This made me laugh. A short while back I found out why when I travel I’m always starving on the day of flights, something I could never figure out. I would eat tons of food and always feel hungry. Then I read this study that said that people who don’t get enough sleep are actually hungrier and have a tendency to gain weight over people who eat the same and get enough sleep. I then realized that we always seemed to pick the o’darkthirty flight and were always up late packing the night before! Mystery solved…

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