How did you get that black eye? How did you break your arm? How did you get that large bruise? How did you…. ? We have all been asked these questions probably numerous times in our lives – and if not – then you have been sitting in the same position since the day you were born!
Most of these injuries are due to accidents – which the very definition means that you probably didn’t pay attention to your surroundings, did something really stupid or didn’t heed the warnings of others – or in the case of my children, you probably were dared to do something really stupid which has the same results.
When we are kids, we happily tell the truth of our injuries – I was jumping out of a tree and I hit the ground really hard and SNAP – I broke my arm! I was racing my bike down this gnarly (does anyone say gnarly anymore?) hill when I went over this HUGE bump and FLEW through the air and landed on my face! My brother and I were racing on our skateboards and we banged into each other – and now I have STITCHES! All of these explanations are usually followed by “THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!” and in some cases a description of their mother screaming in panic while the people in the emergency room mopped up the blood – which is told which much drama and glee.
As adults – the cause of our injuries is not usually quite so dramatic – but the results are usually just as visible. The stories that would have sounded great as a kid, now take on an air of stupidity – I was walking on my roof in a snowstorm to get my Christmas lights up and I fell off and SNAP – I broke my arm. I was walking across a parking lot and came to a curb which I didn’t see because I was looking at my cellphone and I face planted on the sidewalk. I was in a hurry and didn’t open the door all the way and ran right into it. All of these explanations are usually followed by “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” and in some cases a description of a wife who was really pissed off because she had told you not to do something a million times while the people in the emergency room mopped up the blood as they tried not to laugh at you.
I have decided that I am no longer going to tell the truth about my injuries – which only adds to people thinking that I need constant supervision. I am an adult. I am creative. In other words – I’m going to lie! And it’s not going to be just any old lie – I’m going to make it a whopper! If people are going to laugh at my stupidity anyway – they may as well enjoy a story too. So instead of telling people I face planted because I tripped over a curb because I wasn’t paying attention (no cell phone was involved, just me being blind to the curb) – my story has officially become that I was in Wyoming visiting my son. We were on a walk in the woods and out of nowhere, Bigfoot came charging at us! What was I supposed to do? I had to protect my family – but I had no weapons! So I did the only thing I could think of – I head-butted him! My attack stunned Bigfoot so much that he took off!
And that’s how I bruised my nose, got two black eyes and broke my glasses. Much better story – and I’m happy to tell it to anyone who wants to hear it – and by the way IT WAS AWESOME!!!!
Pages from my Crazy Life 